Poems + Musings

IV

(For grace)

Breathe,
 Breathe, 
Breathe. 

There is an ocean in you.
Tides of emotion,
Endless depth of person,
Tidal waves,
Currents of loving me
A sea breeze is breaking,
I'm keen for the taking,
A stir, a storm, of humanity
There is an ocean in you.

If you are the sea
I am drowning beneath
I thought love,
Yet still, I am choking.
O Where is the heart?
It's been lost from the start
I remember,
Put high on a shelf
As I climb over cupboards,
Dusty, covered cupboards
Filled deep with their secrets and grime,
Stand on counters,
Pristine and presentable,
Cleaned for the world outside
I reach far inside,
Moving left,
Moving right
Empty handed, 
O god where is the heart?

Of course,
O heart,
Kept high in myself
You weren't there,
You are no longer my own
You are high on a shelf,
In the caverns of someone else
The shelf far below these shores.

I plunge down beneath,
Breathe deep of the sea,
As water,
Water fills my lungs
The warmth in my chest,
Flows out from my breast,
 Life, 
Life,
Blood in these veins.
There in your dark,
My prodigal heart
Beating,
Pulsing,
Moving. 

Maybe,
One day your heart,
Will be found in my dark,
The ocean inside of me
Our currents
Conjoined into one
There is an ocean in you.

Breathe,
Breathe,
Breathe. 

I am sorry for my matchbook tongue.

VII

Calm. 
Fingers smell of kerosene,
Hearty chestnut wearing thin,
And blankets,
When you fill them up with smoke.
These days it feels like all I've done
Is put to hellfire all I've known
As bridges,
Ash-filled lovers tumble down.

It's alright,
I'm alright.

Warm. 
Dew upon the twisted vine
Shimmers in the morning light.
Our bodies,
Interwoven seas of sheets.
A cookie cutter piece of me,
Frosting covered wintry tree
It shatters,
As you ease it down your throat.

It's alright,
I'm alright.

Free. 
Licorice-laden evening mint,
Ticket to absinthian bliss.
A forget-me-not,
Twirls ironically through my limbs.
Cloud-mind and sky-eyes,
Happiness apartheid,
These drops,
A sleeping beauty never-kiss.

It's alright,
I'm alright.

Safe. 
If you, Son-grey,
Turn golden face away
From teenagers,
Whose true love didn't wait
Then you,
Nail me back up,
For I,
I,
I deserve your fate.

It's alright,
I'm alright.

III

It's the 21st blitz of this century's kiss
It's a poison pill shot from a gun
It makes warriors and pacifists
Absitenents and masochists
Killing differences for tolerant grace

We're bringing guns to a stick fight
Hoping blood makes the bad right
Now there's kids
and they're strewn on the floor
In whose name did we say
this was for?

It's for god and the gays
The right to love,
Right to pray
In this freedom we spread like disease
We are modern crusadists
We are lesbian agenda lists
We are broken who break
in return
What's the point if you live
but don't learn?

If I go to the right
I'll use bibles to fight
On this left, 
I'll scream "me" til i die

But I believe in a god
That on this war he sobs
For he willingly fell on his sword
For both sides
For every middle-class king

Bloodiness is elevated
When hate-words are predicated
By the preacher
Screaming on the TV
I am brim-fire baptist
I am sedative rapist
I am love and I choose what I feel

Backseat kisses gone too far
Campout trysts with a guitar
We are hookers and
We are down on our knees

Let's lay down the cursing,
social media shrapnel bombing,
and locker room musings,
Rather,
Look for humanity
In everyone's eyes
We are mostly the same-
You, and I.

heaven iI

(this is a rewrite of a song, Heaven, originally written by a friend of mine,

Corey Kilgannon, in a failed attempt to wrap my mind around the tragedies in Orlando and Dallas)

Heaven is not a small house

With wallpapers of pamphlets to repent

Heaven is not some white cloud

Full of grandmothers and infants who never sinned

If (J)esus is not accepting

Of tattooed smokers or those who think they're gay

Then (J)esus, when I come knocking

Close those pearly gates in my face

I'm no better than they are

I've fallen just as far

Why do I spend all my days

Like I'm the holy one?

Heaven is no dark cathedral

With open doors for those who do good deeds

Heaven is full of curse words

And bloody-knuckled fuckers 

Just like me

If (J)esus is really coming

To rescue all of those who've loved him well

Then (J)esus please don't look close

I've said "tomorrow I'll change" for years too long

I'm wicked and I've loved the dark

I've doubted in my heart

That (G)od would die so I could live

A life to mar (H)is name

Heaven is more like soft wind

A gentle, waking breath for tired souls

Heaven is full of children

Who innocently love what they can't hold

If (J)esus turns (H)is face away

From teenagers whose true love didn't wait

Then (J)esus nail me back up

Because (I) deserve (Y)our fate

(H)e says peace, (M)y son

And welcome home

(I)'ve loved (Y)ou even still

I

(LUST)

I found you in the dirt again

You'd bruised your knees and scraped your skin

Another night spent running in the dark

Your "sorry's" smell of cheap perfume

The same that filled his motel room

I pick you up and whisper in your ear

Remember your face and know

You will always be enough

Don't forget just who you are

You are smooth and you are scarred

There's liquor in your breath tonight

You bunch my coat and hold it tight

Quietly, I lead you from the door

You drink to hide what they could see

A sea of friends, of family

I pull you close and whisper in your ear

Remember your face and know

You will always be enough

Don't forget just who you are

You are smooth and you are scarred

Someday soon-you'll see

I love you

That's all there needs to be.

II

(fear)

There's a dagger on my tongue

Dancing behind my lips

It strikes,

It stings.

Every day 

I make it stronger

Each darkened thought

It sharpens-

But somewhere in me I am good

Through misty veil

My eyes can see

What I have done

It came so fast,

So gentle.

To be alone is easy

Life is simple

When you run-

But somewhere in me I am strong

I speak in whispers

Cutting flesh

Breaking bone

Desperate for

One touch.

Breathe life to me

Crush my heart of stone-

Somewhere in me I am alive.

IV

(envy)

My heart can only beat for one thing

I can fill its chambers

Its caverns

With desires and dreams abounding

Seek love,

Feign love,

Lose love.

My mind can trick it into submission

With false happiness

Hollow truths

But each fiber is connected

Broken,

Yet perfectly intertwined

They seek purpose,

Grand design

My heart can only beat for one thing.

V

(Pride)

This heart lies more to me than you

Echoed sounds of what is true

But if I cage it

It will never be free

I think that you're the one for me

Now's no time to wait and see

I fear that you're a liar too.

VI

(spring)

Youth's a cruel mystery

With drawn out games of wait and see

I think I'm still a part of one or two

Though it does have light intricacies-

How it spits you out as you will be

Or the nights spent in her arms

When you were safe.